The word "open" is synonymous with adoptions today. What, exactly, does the word “open” mean? The truth is, its meaning is different for every adoption scenario! Think of a door …. it can be cracked, left slightly ajar, invitingly halfway open, or flung wide open. Open adoption is very much like that door, and the birth family and adoptive couple determine just how open their adoption will be.
A cracked door … This would be likened to an initial meeting between the birth family and adoptive couple. Sometimes a birthmother will only want to meet the birth family through pictures and letters and have no face-to-face meeting. During the birthmother’s time in the hospital, she may want no or limited contact with the birth family. Ongoing communication could be through pictures downloaded from an email account or sent to the birth family via the adoption agency.
A door slightly ajar … This relationship would have more personal contact prior to the child’s birth. The birth family definitely will want to meet the adoptive family and perhaps have a few get-togethers before the baby is born. At the hospital, the birthmother may want the |
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adoptive family to come and visit and spend some time with the baby and will request pictures be sent to her for awhile (maybe even until the child is eighteen). An email account could be set up between the two families, but all other communication would be facilitated through the agency.
Invitingly halfway open … This is a nice middle ground to an adoption arrangement. The birthmother usually wants to get to know the family she has chosen for her child and the two parties have fun getting to know each other during the birthmother’s pregnancy. Sometimes the birthmother will want the adoptive mother to accompany her to doctor’s appointments. At the hospital, the birthmother will want the adoptive parents to be at the hospital at the time of delivery …. sometimes even in the delivery room …. and have plenty of time with the baby during those early hours of life. Communication continues after the adoptive family takes the baby home via phone calls, email, exchange of pictures, and some visitation during the child’s early years and, in some agreements, periodically throughout the child’s life. Communication (phone calls, visitation) can be facilitated directly or via the adoption agency.
A wide open door … A birth family and an adoptive family become good friends and exchange phone numbers. The birthmother is comfortable at the adopted parents’ house and visits and outings are arranged often prior to birth. The adoptive mom goes to doctor’s appointments with the birthmother and may also be a partner during birthing classes. At the hospital, the adoptive parents oftentimes are in the delivery room and the first ones to hold the baby after birth. The adoptive parents and the birthmother are together during the hospital stay. After the baby is home with the adoptive parents, the birth mother can call and make arrangements for visits as often as she needs. As long as parameters are respected, this degree of openness can work for some families. |
Golden Rule of Open Adoption
Be respectful of each other’s parameters at all times. On-going visitation works only if there is mutual respect and friendly relations. |
The level and amount of openness in an adoption is based on the relationship built between the adoptive parents and the birth parents as well as each party’s desires and comfort level with openness. Each adoption is unique, and openness varies from adoption to adoption and evens varies from year to year in any given adoption, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes an adoption starts out very open with frequent visitation while the baby is very little, but as time goes on and the parties become busy with their own lives, the contact diminishes. Other times, an adoption may start out without much contact, but as the adoptive parents’ relationship with the birth parents grows, the amount of contact increases. The bottom line with visitation is what is in the best interest of the child at any given time in his or her life. Whatever the level of openness, an agreement with a base line of communication should be established prior to placing the baby in the adoptive home. This agreement is facilitated between the two parties by the adoption agency or attorney.
Birth parents and adoptive parents share some common fears about having on-going contact (visitation) after the baby is adopted.
Will visits with the birth parent(s) interfere with the child bonding with his adoptive family?
Children bond with those people who spend the most time with them regardless of who gave birth to them. Children are designed to form attachments to their parents during the first couple years of life. Indeed, it is essential for the mental and emotional growth that they do! The adoptive parents care for the child twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week and the baby is going to bond with the adoptive parents. If a birth parent visits the child for three hours five times a year, that equals eighteen hours a year as opposed to the 8,760 hours the primary caretakers, the child’s adoptive parents, spend. There will not be a problem with bonding.
Will on-going contact with the birth parents confuse the child as to who his or her parents are?
Only when the child reaches the age where he or she can comprehend the meaning of adoption, at age four or five, is the threat of confusing the child a possibility. However, whether the child becomes confused largely depends on how the birth parents’ visits are presented to the child and on the emotional makeup of the child. The majority of adopted children are able to have on-going contact with their birth parents without having any confusion over who their parents are. The adoptive child relates to his birth mother or father like he would to a favorite aunt or uncle who visits with their family.
Do birth grandparents have any rights?
All communication agreements are between the biological parents and adoptive parents. If the birth parents want to include the child’s grandparents in a visitation and the request is communicated to the adoptive family and they are fine with it, then by all means the grandparents are welcome. Pictures and letters are sent only to the birth parents. It is up to them to share that information with their extended family.
What if a birth father was not involved in the communication process but at a later time wants contact?
A communication agreement would have to be negotiated between the father and adoptive parents. Because there has been no relationship established prior to the birth, it is difficult to expect the adoptive family to extend carte blanche visitation to a person they do not know. Most adoptive families are desirous to accommodate a birth father’s wishes; however, he should be aware that he may not have the same communication agreement as does the birth mother simply because there is no pre-established relationship with the adoptive family. In almost all cases, there is usually no problem with the adoptive family sending pictures and letters.
What if visitation doesn't go well?
The adoptive parents are responsible for the child(ren) entrusted to their care. If a birth parent comes to a visit with another person not previously okayed by the adoptive family or if the birth mother or father is inappropriate (drug or alcohol affected, questionable language, revealing clothing, etc.), the adoptive family can terminate the visit until such time as the birth parent and adoptive parent can talk about behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable. |
